Hogwarts vs Tubbyland: Clash of the titans
by Kyrte
Summary: Hogwarts is under attack. Not from Voldemort but from the Teletubbies! Please don't read if you like the Teletubbies!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:**** If I owned it I wouldn't have to keep writing these disclaimers, would I? So I think that it's pretty obvious I don't own them. **

**I don't like the teletubbies so please don't read this if you do. you'll hate me forever. I also have nothing against all the inhabitants of Hogwarts. So please don't go and turn me into something slimy.**

**Enjoy the story. **

Hogwarts was quiet. Too quiet. The castle stood alone as the inhabitants slept. Unaware that just outside the grounds, three multi-coloured kamikaze soldiers were given their first orders by their sergeant. The soldier known only as tinky-winky.

Dumbledore woke up at 8 am to find a distraught Professor Snape at the door of his study. He was holding a mound of red fur with an antenna sticking out of one end that seemed to wriggle slightly.

Then, without warning, the mound of fur exploded to produce the super-spy extraordinaire, agent po!

Po aimed a volley of bullets at Snape who was completely unprepared and was cut down into chunks of greasy dandruff.

Dumbledore, however, was better prepared and with one wave of his magic wand he turned Po's spy costume (with all the super-spy gear he got for £2 from agent 007 at the F.B.I spy boot sale) into a novelty sumo costume.

"Noooo!" cried the bright red sumo/spy, knowing she was beaten. As Dumbledore advanced on her, Pos last sight was of random pictures cleaning themselves of greasy dandruff.

Tinky-winky stood at the base of the castle frowning as he threw the-now useless-tracking device on to the ground.

"Stupid red whore," he muttered to himself, "All she had todo was get the damn information about the castle, and what does she do? She goes and gets herselfcaptured! We never had this problem with Rosie and Jim, they did what they weretold and died taking our secrets with them. I gotta get me somedamn tubby toast."

And with that Tinky-winky went back to the makeshift camp to find some tubby toast, or failing that, a shot of heroin.

La-la was 500 feet below the castle. She carefully tunnelled her way through the Scottish rock as her state-of-the-art radar system that helped them find where the hoobmobile was, guided her way through the ground.

La-la smiled at the memory of the mindless violence that had ensued when the hoobs had tried to take over tubby land. La-la still had Tula's head on her bedroom window. The other hoobs had been disembowelled by the tubby toast missiles they had thrown at them. Dipsy always said the rabbits were never quite so tame after that. Must have been from all the hoob meat they had eaten, la-la mused.

Unaware that three yards behind her, a young witch with a vengeance had a machine gun aimed at her back and a bottle of the world's strongest acid tied to her waist.

La-la continued blissfully onwards, only to be pulled back suddenly as a hook revealed itself from the ceiling, holding la-la suspended there.

"Enjoying yourself?" a soft female voice swam to the trussed-up teletubby as the assassin known as agent 003 (or Hermione) revealed herself.

La-la shrieked like a little girl as the acid was revealed. Squirming slightly as it was poured onto her, the only change in the atmosphere was the rancid smell of burning tubby flesh.

Ron and Harry walked up the tunnel to where Hermione was standing torturing the trussed-up teletubby. When with a final shriek of anger, La-La dissolved into a heap of smoking yellow goo.

Satisfied, the three assassins/wizards/witch walked back up to the surface when a huge earthquake wracked the tunnel, causing a massive cave in. Taking out all the hufflepuffs and slytherins with it.

**Well, the death total now stands at one teacher and two houses gone, as well as two teletubbies. If you have any ideas about what to do to the rest. Please review and I'll put the ideas in.**

**Till the next chapter.**

**Redandsilver4eva.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: See the last chapter. I'm too lazy to write it out every time. But I will repeat. If you like the Teletubbies then please, PLEASE, stop reading now. If you also like Harry potter then you may wish to stop reading now also. **

**Still here? Good. Then enjoy the story. **

The castle was silent, recovering from the onslaught of the day's attacks. Inside the castle, madam pomfrey was busy in the hospital wing healing those who she could (sadly, snape was condemned to be chunks of greasy dandruff for all eternity).

Outside, in a tent, the two remaining teletubbies were trying to stay out of the rain and (in tinky-winkys case) snorting some cocaine he found.

Dipsy walked up to the castle, tears pouring down his botox-enhanced cheeks, mourning for the red tubby, Po.

If he had one wish, he would have made it so that he would be the one to go into the castle. He would give anything to see her one last time. Dipsy looked up as the rain stopped. Something else was falling.

"KNIVES!" Dipsy screamed like a little girl Teletubby as he ran back to the tent, trying to warn Tinky-Winky.

Dodging knives left and right as he back flipped to safety, he failed to notice the rather large samurai sword falling from the sky.

Cutting Dipsy into two very slimy pieces of green flesh. As the torrent of knives ceased a bolt of lightning shot out of the forbidden forest. The air was soon thick with the pungent aroma of frying Dipsy.

The Slytherin and Ravenclaw alliance came out of the forest. Exited at the though of tubby sushi. As they made a fire and hoisted the tubby meat onto huge turning blades, they feasted and made merry.

Only this time, the last tubby was watching and waiting to strike.

With a banshee cry of rage, Tinky-Winky flew into action. Cutting down slytherins and Ravenclaws everywhere. Soon the air was filled with blood.

Blood started flowing into the school. Pouring into the dungeons first, taking any first years that were caught down there and drowning them. The crimson river flowed into each floor, one after the other.

First, second, third, fourth, fifth and the towers were all destroyed under its unstoppable force. The river flew out of the castle's other side taking all the drowned students bodies with it.

Meanwhile, over at Hagrid's hut, four humans and a Teletubby were drinking some wine and enjoying the show.

"CHEERS!" The four plotters had each got what they wanted.

Harry had got Snape and Draco killed.

Ron had his revenge on Cho Chang refusing his offer of a date.

Hermione got to kill off the Ravenclaws for pretending they were cleverer than her.

Tinky-Winky got rid off the Tubbies who were trying to get him help for his drug addiction.

And Hagrid? Well, as long as Hagrid has his monsters, his wine and his stack of x-rated magazines. He just doesn't care anymore.

**Well, thanks for all the people who reviewed this story. It's nice to know there are people out there who like mindless violence just like me. Apologies to Sentrovasi and Jellies on the content. I know it's not what you wanted but there may be a sequel to it and i'll try to put your ideas into the story as they rock!**

**Just for the record here, I do like Harry Potter and his friends. This story is just a strange idea I had. **

**Yours faithfully. **

**Redandsilver4eva. **


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